Jamie

 

So this is Jamie, my Bichon Frise pup who's sleeping on her furry grey mat as I type this. 

Sometimes I wonder how everything around her looks like from her point of view. If everything out there is overwhelmingly large. If  she's happy where she is with my family and I or if she'd rather explore the huge world alone (or perhaps with other doggy friends). If she feels like a prisoner where she is, maybe?

She never fails to put a smile on my face and coming back home to her and her wagging tail has got to be one of the best things in the world. 

Even though I constantly complain that ever since my family moved back to Singapore, the apartment is tons smaller and that you can't walk 2 steps without meeting someone, I'm kinda' glad. It also pretty much means you can't walk 2 steps without bumping into Jamie who'll do everything she can to get your attention - either by lying on your feet (on, not by), dropping her orange bone by your feet so you'd throw it for her to fetch or by following you everywhere you go for the next 10 minutes. 

I love the times when I'd sit on the floor after a long, long day next to the powerpoint plug where my phone's charging and she'd scurry over to climb in my lap and snuggle there. As well as the times when you're sitting next to her and she casually gets up and gives you a few licks on your leg like you've done something great that deserves 5 gold stars even though all you've done that day is ignore her. 

So this makes me wonder if they have emotions and feelings just like we do. I know she's happy when we come through the door. I know she's disappointed when we stop playing fetch with her after a while. I know she's surprised when I tiptoe to next to her while she's sleeping and scare her when she opens her eyes. I know she's ecstatic when we say the magic word "walk". 

I do wish though, that I'd know if she loves me.

Rationality

I never used to understand why my friends still continued on with their partners despite the weekly fights and the broken hearts.

Rational me would say, "Why do you still try?"

And they'd say, "The day will come when you find someone you love, and then you'll understand."

 

But the day will come again when they break out into another fight, and I see yet another one of my best friends roaming the corridors with puffy eyes as a reminder of the previous night's argument.

Then rational me would say, "I'm tired of seeing you cry over him again and again. Why continue?"

And again they'd say, "You'll understand when you find someone you love"

 

Of course, another day will roll by where one of them finally tells us about how the boyfriend hasn't been the best to her. He doesn't respect her and he doesn't appreciate her. 

So rational me says, "Leave him. There are plenty of other men who'd want to date you"

And she says, "It isn't so easy. You'll understand."

 

There's one who wants to pursue her dreams and has to move to a completely different continent for schooling there. But her boyfriend's upset. He doesn't want her to leave. He can't bear for her to leave. 

Rational me says, "If he loves you, he'd want you to be happy. And so he'd let you go pursue your dreams".

She doesn't say much. But i know what it means: You'll understand when the time comes. 

 

I suppose the time has come when I do understand. It's absolutely true that it's easier saying all this than actually acting on it. It takes some effort to say Leave, There are other men, Stop, He's not good for you, You deserve better, I'm sure he doesn't truly love you then.

But it takes a whole ton of courage to let go.

I'm selfish, weak, cowardly and no longer the supposedly rational one I know, I'm quite sure of that. 

But it's something else having your world crumble.